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Rants & Raves Index
The opinions expressed in this editorial are 100% my own. If you don't like 'em...build your own damn website and tell everyone I'm a jerk. If I'm violating any trademark or copyright stuff, just email me here and I'll make it right.
. warren1.jpg (24751 bytes)Predictions for 1999

Lawyers Take Note: This article is intented as a parody. Use of copyright images and tradenames is in the spirit of humor without any rights implied or granted.

Well, opinions are like (uh) elbows, everyone's got a couple. But I think I speak for at least some of the folks out there when I make these no-brainer predictions for 1999:

Twin Cam 88 - I Think I'll Wait

What do Harley Davidson and Microsoft have in common? The biggest "beta test" group in the world. For those of you who ain't keyboard jockeys, what this means is they just love to try stuff out that they're not sure is gonna work. When Microsoft comes out with new software, even if they say it's the greatest boon to mankind since silicon breast implants, I have a tendency to wait a coupla months. I scan the magazines on the racks at the supermarket and if six months go by without screaming headlines like "Latest Microsoft Software Sends Computers on Tri-State Killing Spree" I might consider using it.

Same with this twin-cam 88 thing. Let's step back a coupla feet and figure out why they did this like they did. Well, we know that S&S has been kicking butt in the aftermarket engine market with a very reliable 96 cubic asphalt-pounder. Hell, almost all the "other" American bikes use this engine - often with a three year warrantee attached. Well, no sooner does HD come out with this twin-cam wonder, than they announce a "hop-up" kit to bring it up to 95 cubes. Coincidence? I think not.

Now let's remember the first coupla years of the evo. Well, the 84 and 85 softail models were only available with a chain-drive, four speed. While this technology was killer in the 50's and 60's, why the hell did they stick this on their new engine? In 86 and 87, the wiring harness was plagued with design problems. Bad idea, and I'm speaking from bike-pushing experience here. By the end of the 80's and into the 90's the evo bike as a whole "evolved" into a killer, dependable road-eater, even right off the showroom floor!

So what I'm saying is, let some rich guy who can afford dealer oil changes "beta test" the twin cam 88. Me? I think I'll wait and rebuild the evo one more time.

Arlen Ness - Bigger than K-Mart
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Whoa! These are sum mean "Chopper-Ridin' Muthas".


With the release of his new clothing line (no lie) Arlen decides to branch off into other "branded" merchandise. In 1999, look for Arlen Ness designer shoes, underwear (special kids version entitled "Arlen-roos"), billet lawn furniture, billet cooking utensils and billet aluminum siding ("It's your house, cover it in class with the Arlen billet mass").

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing but respect for most of Arlen's early work, I mean twin-engined sportsters with blowers hangin' off 'em - what's not to like? But lately I've begun to wonder. Check out his ad on the inside cover of Hot Rod Bike (Feb 99 ish), there's these jackets called "California Chopper" that don't look like anything I've ever seen any self-respecting chopper pilot wear. They actually have clean-cut, yup-looking scum wearing these things that say "Chopper Motorcycles" on the back. Ummm...what's up with this? Besides, they've actually got WHITE LEATHER on 'em. Who you kidding, Arlen?

Corbin Beetle Boobs - New and Even More Ugly

With the fantastic success of Corbin Beetle Bags ("Wow, Ugly!") Corbin will decide in
b_a.jpg (14031 bytes)1999 to release a FAIRING that matches their bags. These will look like a pair of huge bulging hooker hooters with lights that only three morons in California will buy. They'll be featured in the April issue of Easyriders, ("Corbin Beetle Boobs Give Your Bike A Rack!") but so many people will crack up over these, that in the next issue they'll announce it was an April's fool joke.

World's Lowest and Fattest Bike.

The trend toward "low and fat" will continue to be carried to extremes in 1999. Look for bikes whose rear tire is wider than the bike is long. A 140 cubic inch version of this monster will be "previewed" at the Friday night drags at the Sturgis raceway. It's first run will cause the mill to explode after cracking the throttle and the entire front of the bike will flip backward over the rear tire - which never actually moves. The event will be dubbed a huge success, with plans for even bigger and fatter bikes in the upcoming years.


Sturgis Becomes Year Long Event

With the actual "week long" motor classic spilling out on the calendar in both directions, the founding fathers of Sturgis will decide that it's just too much of a hassle to keep putting up and tearing down those kiosks, so in 2000, The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally will begin on August 1st and continue right on 'til August 1st 2001 - at this date, the next year's event will start.

After a few years like this, the town decides to declare itself an independent state and thus, the State of Sturgis is born. But more about THAT later...

Keep Smiling,

Warren