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Rants & Raves Index
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Editorial opinion only presented in a humorous vein...

Victory Announces New Touring Models for 2010 

or HOLY SHIT is that Vision Ugly or What?

In an unprecedented move – Victory has announced two new models to their touring line that resemble actual motorcycles. Coasting on the crushing ugliness of the Vision, the management team at Victory decided to preserve what was left of their damaged careers and reputations by created a couple of Road King look alikes so people would stop sending them hate mail.

Likened to something that was rejected from a live-action Jetsons remake, the Vision has been alternately cursed as one of the most misguided attempts at styling in the last 100 years and damned by the fact that only a blind person would actually buy one – contributing to lagging sales amongst most motorcycle riders. In fact, the one blind motorcyclist we were able to locate said he “Felt one up and down and thought he was in an exhibition of bad modern art” when asked if he was considering purchasing a Vision, the plucky blind scooter jockey quipped “Are you kidding? I may be blind but I'm not an idiot”.

When contacted for comment, one executive who refused to be named gave us the following insight into the creation of the Vision “Ok, truth be known, most of the R&D department has a pretty serious crack problem and they had been on like a 5 day bender when they came up with the Vision. We thought they were joking when they showed us the initial drawings but they were all shaking and waving knives around – it was pretty scary scene, actually” After initial attempts to eject the design team from the building, or a least get them designing snowmobiles, a scuffle ensued that resulted in the death of a security guard and somebody ordering 200 pizzas from Pizza Hut. “We knew at that point that we were not getting off easy, so we began making calls to our chrome and plastic suppliers in the orient while several members of the management team snuck off to update their resumes and change their employment status on LinkedIn.” Stated the unnamed executive.

Public reaction to the unusual styling of the Vision ranged from “people making gagging noises while sticking their fingers down their throats” to outright laughter and abuse. When contacted by the media, the three individuals who actually purchased a Vision refused to be interviewed siting their needs to protect their families.

The two new models released by Victory – the Cross Roads and the Cross Country may help the beleaguered former snowmobile manufacturer actually stay in business after the unfortunate release of the Vision. “I think we've learned from our mistakes” stated one Victory executive “I for one feel that this experience, the whole Vision thing, has been an exciting catalyst for personal growth” he quipped as he withdrew a small sword from a Japanese scabbard and thrust it into his abdomen with an upwards cutting motion.

- Warren Fuller