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. warren1.jpg (24751 bytes)Cheesehead with more money than sense or real live biker?

So this guy pulls up next to you on whatever local boulevard you happen to be cruising. You look over and notice that everything this guy has is brand new.

I'm talking brand new bike (probably a 97 or 98 heritage with every factory chrome gee-gaw available), brand new leather jacket (looks like one of those fancy factory jobs), new chaps (some kinda concho laden things), new gloves (more conchos here), leather head wrap (still more conchos) and conchos (some with additional conchos added).

So I'm thinking to myself: "Don't write this guy off, he could be a really nice guy or a long-suffering soul who inherited a buncha dough from an unknown dead uncle. He might not be a slime-bag rich kid! Maybe he was home wrenching on his panhead chopper when he hit the lottery. Maybe his wife (who has no taste) won the lottery and bought all this stuff for him. Maybe a truck hit his wife and the insurance company bought all this stuff for him to replace his wife."

The Big Question

So the question remains...how do you tell people with more money than sense from real bikers who just happened to have bought a buncha new stuff. I'm here to tell you I've finally found a fool-proof (that lets me out) method of determining riders from posers.

Here's the key: Look at the shoes.

Now, the guy I just described above probably topped off this leather road-warrior outfit with a pair of brown penny loafers with white socks. There's your proof it's just a case of amateur hour with a big wallet. Anybody who's been riding for more than three minutes knows the following facts of life:

1) Exhaust systems get real hot and will melt anything on your feet except engineers boots and combat gear into a smokey plastic ball.

2) The day you ride, it'll rain. Wet feet suck on a scooter.

3) Wherever you put your foot down, some beater Ford just deposited two quarts of scummed-out 30 weight. Which means you're doing the sideways dance unless your footwear inhales motor oil.

4) You'd have to be a complete moron to ride a scooter in sandals.

Back to our guy on the street, if he's looking like a poster boy for the factory "motorclothes" catalogue BUT he's sporting a pair of engineer steel-toes that look like they saw action in Korea, you can be fairly sure our boy has been around the block more than once.

An Exception to Every Rule!

There's an exception to this rule...and (not to be sexist) but that's when it come to female passengers. In this case, six-inch spike heels are not a sign of ignorance, they're a thing of beauty. If the lady on the back ain't shiftin' gears, then she's NEVER GOING TO PUT HER FEET DOWN, anyway. So she can wear whatever she wants (as long as it's got six inch heels, is thigh-high and made of black leather...pant, pant). Female chopper pilots generally have the footgear thing down pat, 'cause they tried to ride a sportster in sneakers and there are still scars from the melting plastic.

So here's how it stacks up:

New leathers (bike, etc.) and loafers with white socks - Jerk. Keep your distance.
New leathers (bike, etc.) and ratty steel-toes - Lucky guy. Ask to borrow money.

Spike leather boots (on babe) - Babe. Wow.
Spike leather boots (on guy) - Fag! Yow.

Now you gotta clue, doncha?

Have fun and don't get caught.

Warren