Rants & Raves
and Fat Where It's At?
I dunno, the trend in magazines and other "professional" web publications is toward the low and fat kinda bike and while I dig a large smokin' back tire as much as the next guy, how much fun could it be to ride one of these things? It seems to me me most of these "ground-pounders" are built for one thing - doing the short cruise. Let's look at the facts:
Most LF (low and fat) bikes have seating for only one person.
While this my look "kool" in the parking lot, anyone who has ever traveled any kind of distance knows there's nothing like the pleasure of sharing your experiences (and your sleeping bag) with a passenger of the opposite sex. Besides, if she's got the right build (and Wendy DOES), you've got a pair of the bestest headrests money can't buy. In my book, solo is for guys who can't get no (satisfaction).
Most LF bikes have a silly looking gas tank.
Face facts, the Harley Fat Bob tank is an enduring icon of beauty. Even the sporty peanut has it's own kinda charm (when used right). Would you take other classic American designs and stretch them out? Imagine if you stretched your entire house - it would be longer, but you'd bump your head! OK, how about livestock? Who'd want a stretched cow? You'd get thin hamburgers! It's just gotta stop, people.
Most LF bikes don't have saddle bags or sissy bars.
Oh I see, the people who own these things are SO RICH that they don't need to pack anything for long trips. They just AMEX stuff when they get there. Wait a minute - maybe they don't actually ride them any kinda distance, maybe they just throw them on expensive trailers and haul them places to look kool. Uh oh, the truth starts to come out. And don't even TALK about those BUTT UGLY CORBIN HARD BAGS! Why in God's name would I want to give my bike a case of the "fat butts"? Have you ever looked at a bike that has those things on from the rear? It looks like that back end on a bon-bon queen who should have a bumper sticker on her butt reading "Caution: I Brake For Groceries".
Most LF bikes have little, bitty handlebars.
Look, it's a known medical fact that if ya don't raise your arms UP when you ride, you start to sweat. If ya start to sweat, you start to get real stinky. If ya get real stinky, all the LF "Ground Pounding" in the world still ain't gonna get you laid so FIGURE IT OUT. Apes are here for a reason - they keep your pits dry and then you get the babes. Besides, anyone who's done any real highway time knows that one hand up in the air and one hand on the knee of your passenger is the only riding position approved by the CRA (Chopper Riders of America).
Well, it's a free country and you can build what ya want. That's why I like the chopper thing - 'cause I can. You LF bike guys have every right to build 'em like you want 'em, I guess I just don't understand the want. That doesn't mean I can't respect a well-crafted piece of machinery, mind you.
But I predict before long the LF crowd is gonna be chucking in those mini-bars and drag-wide tires, they're gonna be welding sissy bars on the rear and bolting apes on the front. The power thing is cool (most LFs got lotsa that) but even deep-down in the bowels of the purest LFs heart, they still know one thing: CHOPPERS RULE!
Have Fun and Don't Get Caught!